Swag

Sometimes

I want to leave our modern day, safe community and our petty excuses of “problems”, and go to/join a completely broken and impoverished community where I could help those who are really encountering trials.

We worry about what outfit to wear for the day, what to eat, what starbucks/bubble tea drink to get, how many hours we want to play games, how many hours we want to study/ and get the privilege of doing hw, watch tv, where to go out and play/hangout for the day, etc.

They worry about if they’ll live the next day, where to sleep, if someone won’t come to kidnap them/their family, if they’ll actually finally find food today to eat, if they should sell themselves just to let themselves or their family live another day, or if they should just end the suffering by taking their life.

First world problems? Yeah. Why don’t you try third world problems for a change. Not just perceive it, but actually experience and understand it.

But what am I saying. It doesn’t matter.

Day 4 of week 4: Numb.

I don’t know what happened today.

I only got 4 hours of sleep, but woke up fine and went to class. I actually really enjoyed my high school visit today at Ingraham for Dream Project. I finally got to really connect a bit deeper with one of my mentees. I was happy.

UW Dial-A-Ride then picked me up like always to take me to Spanish. But on the way, idk what was wrong with my driver (not saying that in a bad way, she’s the one that usually has been driving me this past week and a half and she’s so kind and gentle). But she was turning into the parking lot out of the road, not slowing down at all when there was a bus no more than 2 feet infront of us and she just kept driving. I freaked out thinking “What the heck is she doing!?!?!” And then suddenly the car and the bus were no more than half a foot away from each other when they both suddenly breaked, one thought the other was going to stop first so they didnt slow down. I screamed and so did my driver. My crutches and backpack flew out of the seat next to me and hit the back of the seat of the driver. We were looking right at the bus driver and the passengers, they looked confused. My driver apologized and drove off the road. She let me out, but had a complete confused, blank stare. It look like she was in shock. I could just keep hearing her mumble “idk what happened.. i must of predicted wrong the distance from the bus… but my driving records are clean…”. She looked like she was in a trance, so I tried to reassure her that it was fine, that we were fine and so were the people in the bus. And then she suddenly freaked saying “are you okay!?!” of course I’m okay I’m walking! er, crutching. I didn’t tell her that my stomach hurt from the car trying to yank me out of my seatbelt. Thank you God. That I wore a seatbelt. I probably would of banged my head badly if I didn’t.

I was a little bit in shock but I was fine. 

Then after spanish class, I waited for the next UW Dial-A-Ride to pick me up and take my to Psych. I waited for 15 mins, they’re usually early where are they? So I called the system. They said the driver was on the way. I waited another 20ish mins. They still weren’t there, the lady told me my driver persisted she was in the right location but she felt like she wasn’t and said that no one else could come get me. She told me that I have to figure out a way to get to class myself.

I was already 30 mins late for class because of the waiting. I was on the opposite side of where psych was, so it would of taken to long to walk back. Class would be over by then. So again, I’m forced to miss a class because of my injury. I was really upset.

I sat there, and just thought “go back to the dorms”

but it was a long walk. But thankfully, I took the bus and it took me most of the way and I walked the rest.

I was just really upset that I had to miss class. again.

By now, I was tired. Mentally and physically. So I went to sleep. I just wanted to take an hour and a half nap. 

Except my nap went a little longer, two hours.

And I had a dream. This is probably one of the worst dreams I have ever had. One of the darkest. I don’t know what happened. I can remember it all so vividly but  I can’t describe it. It was almost a recap of my day, but with darkness surrounding me. There was literally a black cloud/swirl that filled most of the pictures in my mind. People were more twisted, demented, hysterical, and out of their minds. People didn’t care. People were rude, and animal like. People were shoving me around, slamming doors on my face on purpose when I couldn’t open it myself cause of my ankle. I was so confused. Even those who were my friends, would forget about me and leave me. I was in one of the buildings of the UW campus. But in my dream this building was 50 floors, with no stairs and 3 elevators that only fit one person each.

I was left alone, and wanted to find my friends again and get out. But I was too scared to take the elevators. The people who went in were insane and always said, “time to go to hell”. I was to freaked out. So I roamed around the building, trying to find a way out. Only to encounter more crazy people. I didn’t have anything on me (but my crutches and a pencil for some reason..) and I felt helpless. I left all my stuff behind, my phone, backpack, etc. People kept coming up to my face screaming things at me and having a demented look. I was scared and just crying and felt so completely helpless that I just fell to the ground and started crying. 

I’m then suddenly in like a jail precinct. There are victims all around me, people who have been raped, beaten, abused, almost killed, lots of suffering and pain around me and hurt. And I couldn’t help but sit there and felt like I belonged with that crowd. So I wept with them. I could feel what they were feeling, and could even feel.. that emotion that drives people to suicide (to clarify, in no way am I suicidal). It was terrible. I was so deep in darkness and pain, that it physically began to hurt. It felt so unreal, a darkness and pain I’ve never felt before. It was almost like I was sinking in and couldn’t get out, I felt effortless. Not that there was no point in resisting, but that there was no effort to resist in the first place.

But then I woke up. Life felt unreal. The people around me while I’m awake feel unreal. All of this doesn’t seem real, I feel like I was dreaming in reality, and woke up in a dream.

I got on my computer, and I found out. Today is the 1 year anniversary that an acquaintance I knew and went to school with since 6th grade took her life. Reading the old memories, seeing the pictures of her with her closest friends and family, I could see how much grief there was and still is.

No, I wasn’t a close friend of hers. But it was completely unreal, to have seen her on Friday in our senior parking lot that year. Saw her and said hi smiling as we passed by, and then to hear on Monday that she took her life. To have been in school with her since 6th grade, and to have seen her, conversed with her, and then to find out that she was gone from the world. It left a mark in our entire school. The whole school was mourning. Everything was so dark and solemn. I’ve never encountered anything like that before. 

To see others in so much pain, you couldn’t help but feel and share their pain as well.

Most importantly, to share God’s pain. 
“Break my heart for what breaks Your’s Lord”
Do you even know, how much God was grieving? How much He still grieves for His children!?

Death is real. Evil is real. Sin is real. The reality of the world is, there is darkness. There is mourning. Pain. Grief. Suffering. 

But what are we doing as disciples of Christ? We say we know God, we claim to be His children, we claim to dwell in His presence and word. But do you really? Do I…? Do we have a GENUINE relationship with Christ, yearning for Him, wanting to learn about Him more, love Him more, and in the process love others more!? What are we doing?

I’m in a city where I see churches everywhere, Seattle is heavily populated by Christians. But you know what? Seattle is the 3rd most least christian-like city in the nation. And Portland is #1. I’m from a church in Portland, and I KNOW that that location is heavily populated by Christian churches as well.

But numbers are facts as well, not just Christ’s spirit.

What are we doing? As disciples, are we TEACHING? As Christ called us to?!?! NO! I see: passiveness, conformity, dullness, and lies. I don’t see, the passion, drive, love, and genuine yearning that God calls us to have not only for Him, but for others; overflowing and overpowering the negatives. 

This spiritual warfare is real people. We need to wake up.

Day 2 of Week 4

I dont know freaking why but I had so much trouble getting to the bathroom today. Again. I had to take my wheelchair instead of my crutches cause I had my showerbag, towel, and blowdryer to carry. But the wheels on my wheelchair kept getting stuck every freaking 5 freaking seconds. It usually only takes me 20 mins to shower and stuff. And I had an hour till UW Dial-A-Ride came to pick me up. But I freaking get out of the elevator on my floor after my shower, and I see that I only have 5 mins to get to my room, change, pack, and leave. So I did everythign in a rush and crutched my way to the front of the dorm as fast as possible.

I got outside, and my ride wasn’t there. I called them. And they had said they couldn’t give me a ride for my classes today because their schedule was full.

Great, so once again, I have to miss my classes and fall behind once again.

“Grace don’t be lazy just walk”

I’m sorry, lazy? Excuse freaking me?  Are you kidding me?
Don’t you think if I could just WALK to my classes I would freaking WALK to them?
Crutching to even my closest class will take me 30mins. I will miss more than half my class, what’s the point in going. And in the rain too? My crutches are probably gonna slip from underneath me just like they did three times yesterday and I would just look like a pathetic fool in public continuously falling.

So what now? I’m caged in my room once again. 

Useless.

I wanna go home. So badly right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkOiIsEpehc&feature=plcp

Worst Luck

These past couple weeks have just been complete crap in every single way. 

Let me rephrase that, no they’ve been hell.

Week 2 of this month was just an utter emotional mess with the stress of school, money, friends, my family, health, the future, just everything. Constant headaches and nose bleeds and me just trying to study for my classes but pretty much failing all the exams that week even though I tried to not let all the stress get to me and study, I still f-ed up.

Week 3 of these month, I prayed to God to please please PLEASE renew the week, and let it be a week of productivity, joy, and peace. 
But I sprained my ankle instead and it became a week of just complete misery.  Crutching from class to class in such a HUGE campus became such a freaking, awful pain. Taking anywhere between 30 mins to an hour to get to my destination. But thankfully, the school has a system that drives the crippled around. But I couldn’t help but feel completely useless and troublesome to other people all week. I couldn’t even get my own freaking food or go to the bathroom by myself. How pathetic. How useless and pathetic. Couple nights of just staying up all night in constant pain in every muscle in my body, trying to go to school with only 3 hours of sleep. Ending up skipping some classes to get some rest, only to fall so behind in class. The constant uselessness and inability to do things on my own, I feel so weak. 

This week was so incredibly nice too. But I was trapped inside the dorms, all week. The only time I went out was to either eat in the dorms cafeteria or go to class. I felt so completely caged in, and was missing out on all the fun events that were going on and just being with people in a time of joy. 
I finally went out on Saturday to the TOSA XTSA Night Market in Red Square, not really going out to me though cause I was still on campus, but whatever, I was so happy. It was nice to go out, but it wasn’t the same. I was the helpless person who had to be watched and pushed around in my wheelchair. Everyone would be talking, standing around, and I couldn’t be involved in the conversation because I wasn’t at eye level, I was below everyone. I felt pathetic once again. 

This whole week, people would see my in my wheelchair and say “Professor X” or if i was in my crutches “you’ve turn into a transformer now” and blah blah blah. I know, people aren’t trying to be rude and just be funny. But I don’t find any of this funny. I hate it. I completely hate being in this state, and just want to walk normally. Get to class on my own, go out, be able to go to the bathroom without any HELP.  I don’t want to be in pain anymore, I don’t want to be a burden to others anymore, I just want to be back to normal.

I told my brother on Monday, the day I sprained my ankle that it happened. I waited all week to get a cal from my worried mother, to ask if I was okay. But that call didn’t come all week. By Saturday, I didn’t understand. Maybe my mom just really trusted that I would be fine, and that I could take care of myself. I always have. But she called on Saturday, and I had found out that my brother hadn’t told her. I was so angry. He sincerely was sorry and said he really had just forgotten, I understood. But I couldn’t help but feel so angry at the time. 

Yes. I am an adult, but I’m still a daughter as well. The human affection I wanted most all week in my moments of weakness was my mom’s, but the call never came. So I just felt completely down, I really genuinely just wanted my mother’s tender, caring, and affectionate love. That’s why I was so hurt and angry when I she didn’t call all week and that my brother had forgotten. 
Even so, my mom knew by then. And of course, she was worried, and kept asking so many questions, the state I was in, if I was eating, how I was getting around, am I okay, how’s my ankle, how’s my health, etc. “Should I come to Seattle tomorrow Eun-youngah? With food and other things? I can if you want me to?”
My mother is so sweet. No mother, you don’t need to come all the way to Seattle. I’ve lasted a week now, you’re daughter is strong. She can take care of herself. Don’t worry mom, everything isn’t that bad. I’ve got a handle on everything, like always. So don’t worry.

But of course, my mother is persistent and says she will be coming next memorial weekend. 

Week 4 of this month, this week. It’s just started. I thought that this week would be better, because I’ve gotten used to the pain and built tolerance towards it. I’ve finally adjusted to all the unfamiliarities and thought, hey maybe this week will be better. 
But now, I feel like it wont. Another friend helped me out and lent me her boot, so I decided to crutch up the stairs to the bathroom instead of taking the elevator. I got to the bathroom fine like before, but the floor was wet and my crutches slipped and I fell to the ground. I was angry, and felt beat down. But thankfully, no one was there so i just got up. I just walked it off, whatever. But then while I was walking down the stairs (which were wet because it’s raining outside) my crutches freaking slipped once again and I rammed myself into the wall. I got so angry that I just got back up and got to my room as fast as possible.

I got to my room. Laid my crutches against the wall. Tripped once freaking more, and fell to the ground. 

So I can’t help but sit here, feeling completely useless, defeated, beat-down, drained, and tired. And just weep. Just continuously weep. I shouldn’t be crying right now though, I don’t have time to cry. I should be doing work. But I can’t help it, but just give myself this time.

I’m trying so hard to just be positive, but being the pessimist I am and picking out every little negative thing in my life that I cause and do wrong, here’s another one.

Yeah, grace is strong. Don’t worry, she’ll get through it. Leave her be and she’ll get through this one too. Just like she’s gotten through everything else.

I’m human too you know.

good job Grace.

——

Even through all of this, I can whole-heartedly say. God is good.

Job 21-24

21 Then Job replied:

2 “Listen carefully to my words; 

    let this be the consolation you give me. 

3 Bear with me while I speak,

    and after I have spoken, mock on.

4 “Is my complaint directed to a human being?

    Why should I not be impatient? 

5 Look at me and be appalled;

    clap your hand over your mouth. 

6 When I think about this, I am terrified; 

    trembling seizes my body. 

7 Why do the wicked live on,

    growing old and increasing in power? 

8 They see their children established around them,

    their offspring before their eyes. 

9 Their homes are safe and free from fear; 

    the rod of God is not on them. 

10 Their bulls never fail to breed;

    their cows calve and do not miscarry. 

11 They send forth their children as a flock; 

    their little ones dance about.

12 They sing to the music of timbrel and lyre; 

    they make merry to the sound of the pipe. 

13 They spend their years in prosperity 

    and go down to the grave in peace.[a] 

14 Yet they say to God, ‘Leave us alone! 

    We have no desire to know your ways. 

15 Who is the Almighty, that we should serve him?

    What would we gain by praying to him?’ 

16 But their prosperity is not in their own hands,

    so I stand aloof from the plans of the wicked.

17 “Yet how often is the lamp of the wicked snuffed out? 

    How often does calamity come upon them,

    the fate God allots in his anger? 

18 How often are they like straw before the wind,

    like chaff swept away by a gale? 

19 It is said, ‘God stores up the punishment of the wicked for their children.’ 

    Let him repay the wicked, so that they themselves will experience it! 

20 Let their own eyes see their destruction; 

    let them drink the cup of the wrath of the Almighty. 

21 For what do they care about the families they leave behind 

    when their allotted months come to an end?

22 “Can anyone teach knowledge to God, 

    since he judges even the highest? 

23 One person dies in full vigor, 

    completely secure and at ease, 

24 well nourished in body,[b]

    bones rich with marrow. 

25 Another dies in bitterness of soul, 

    never having enjoyed anything good.

26 Side by side they lie in the dust, 

    and worms cover them both.

27 “I know full well what you are thinking,

    the schemes by which you would wrong me.

28 You say, ‘Where now is the house of the great, 

    the tents where the wicked lived?’ 

29 Have you never questioned those who travel?

    Have you paid no regard to their accounts—

30 that the wicked are spared from the day of calamity, 

    that they are delivered from[c] the day of wrath? 

31 Who denounces their conduct to their face?

    Who repays them for what they have done? 

32 They are carried to the grave,

    and watch is kept over their tombs. 

33 The soil in the valley is sweet to them; 

    everyone follows after them,

    and a countless throng goes[d] before them.

34 “So how can you console me with your nonsense?

    Nothing is left of your answers but falsehood!”

Eliphaz

22 Then Eliphaz the Temanite replied:

2 “Can a man be of benefit to God? 

    Can even a wise person benefit him? 

3 What pleasure would it give the Almighty if you were righteous? 

    What would he gain if your ways were blameless?

4 “Is it for your piety that he rebukes you

    and brings charges against you? 

5 Is not your wickedness great?

    Are not your sins endless? 

6 You demanded security from your relatives for no reason; 

    you stripped people of their clothing, leaving them naked. 

7 You gave no water to the weary

    and you withheld food from the hungry, 

8 though you were a powerful man, owning land —

    an honored man, living on it. 

9 And you sent widows away empty-handed 

    and broke the strength of the fatherless. 

10 That is why snares are all around you, 

    why sudden peril terrifies you, 

11 why it is so dark you cannot see,

    and why a flood of water covers you.

12 “Is not God in the heights of heaven? 

    And see how lofty are the highest stars!

13 Yet you say, ‘What does God know? 

    Does he judge through such darkness? 

14 Thick clouds veil him, so he does not see us 

    as he goes about in the vaulted heavens.’ 

15 Will you keep to the old path

    that the wicked have trod? 

16 They were carried off before their time, 

    their foundations washed away by a flood. 

17 They said to God, ‘Leave us alone!

    What can the Almighty do to us?’ 

18 Yet it was he who filled their houses with good things, 

    so I stand aloof from the plans of the wicked. 

19 The righteous see their ruin and rejoice; 

    the innocent mock them, saying,

20 ‘Surely our foes are destroyed, 

    and fire devours their wealth.’

21 “Submit to God and be at peace with him; 

    in this way prosperity will come to you. 

22 Accept instruction from his mouth 

    and lay up his words in your heart. 

23 If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored: 

    If you remove wickedness far from your tent 

24 and assign your nuggets to the dust,

    your gold of Ophir to the rocks in the ravines, 

25 then the Almighty will be your gold, 

    the choicest silver for you. 

26 Surely then you will find delight in the Almighty 

    and will lift up your face to God. 

27 You will pray to him, and he will hear you, 

    and you will fulfill your vows. 

28 What you decide on will be done, 

    and light will shine on your ways. 

29 When people are brought low and you say, ‘Lift them up!’

    then he will save the downcast. 

30 He will deliver even one who is not innocent, 

    who will be delivered through the cleanness of your hands.”

23 Then Job replied:

2 “Even today my complaint is bitter; 

    his hand[e] is heavy in spite of[f] my groaning. 

3 If only I knew where to find him;

    if only I could go to his dwelling! 

4 I would state my case before him

    and fill my mouth with arguments. 

5 I would find out what he would answer me, 

    and consider what he would say to me.

6 Would he vigorously oppose me? 

    No, he would not press charges against me. 

7 There the upright can establish their innocence before him, 

    and there I would be delivered forever from my judge.

8 “But if I go to the east, he is not there;

    if I go to the west, I do not find him.

9 When he is at work in the north, I do not see him;

    when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him. 

10 But he knows the way that I take; 

    when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. 

11 My feet have closely followed his steps; 

    I have kept to his way without turning aside. 

12 I have not departed from the commands of his lips; 

    I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread.

13 “But he stands alone, and who can oppose him? 

    He does whatever he pleases. 

14 He carries out his decree against me,

    and many such plans he still has in store. 

15 That is why I am terrified before him; 

    when I think of all this, I fear him. 

16 God has made my heart faint; 

    the Almighty has terrified me. 

17 Yet I am not silenced by the darkness, 

    by the thick darkness that covers my face.

24 “Why does the Almighty not set times for judgment? 

    Why must those who know him look in vain for such days? 

2 There are those who move boundary stones; 

    they pasture flocks they have stolen. 

3 They drive away the orphan’s donkey

    and take the widow’s ox in pledge. 

4 They thrust the needy from the path

    and force all the poor of the land into hiding. 

5 Like wild donkeys in the desert,

    the poor go about their labor of foraging food;

    the wasteland provides food for their children.

6 They gather fodder in the fields

    and glean in the vineyards of the wicked. 

7 Lacking clothes, they spend the night naked;

    they have nothing to cover themselves in the cold. 

8 They are drenched by mountain rains

    and hug the rocks for lack of shelter. 

9 The fatherless child is snatched from the breast;

    the infant of the poor is seized for a debt. 

10 Lacking clothes, they go about naked; 

    they carry the sheaves, but still go hungry.

11 They crush olives among the terraces[g];

    they tread the winepresses, yet suffer thirst. 

12 The groans of the dying rise from the city,

    and the souls of the wounded cry out for help. 

    But God charges no one with wrongdoing.

13 “There are those who rebel against the light, 

    who do not know its ways

    or stay in its paths. 

14 When daylight is gone, the murderer rises up,

    kills the poor and needy, 

    and in the night steals forth like a thief. 

15 The eye of the adulterer watches for dusk; 

    he thinks, ‘No eye will see me,’ 

    and he keeps his face concealed.

16 In the dark, thieves break into houses, 

    but by day they shut themselves in;

    they want nothing to do with the light. 

17 For all of them, midnight is their morning;

    they make friends with the terrors of darkness.

18 “Yet they are foam on the surface of the water; 

    their portion of the land is cursed, 

    so that no one goes to the vineyards. 

19 As heat and drought snatch away the melted snow, 

    so the grave snatches away those who have sinned.

20 The womb forgets them,

    the worm feasts on them; 

the wicked are no longer remembered 

    but are broken like a tree. 

21 They prey on the barren and childless woman,

    and to the widow they show no kindness. 

22 But God drags away the mighty by his power; 

    though they become established, they have no assurance of life. 

23 He may let them rest in a feeling of security, 

    but his eyes are on their ways. 

24 For a little while they are exalted, and then they are gone; 

    they are brought low and gathered up like all others; 

    they are cut off like heads of grain.

25 “If this is not so, who can prove me false

    and reduce my words to nothing?”